Jennifer

Hello everyone! Happy New Year, I apologize to those of you whom I did not get to wish happy holidays too!

I’ve missed you, that isn’t the thing- but now that I am establishing an additional office (one at home now) I’ll be keeping things up to date, staying current and being more available….

I didn’t make resolutions this year, because like most reasonable people, I don’t believe in them. I have no faith that once we establish a “resolution” we quickly deflect from it..I am however- organizing!

I am really excited about 2009- not just because we have a new President, although that is always something we are impassioned about, but because this year, emerges something different- renewed hope. I think it’s catchy, and I think we need to negate the disappointments and upward and onward to starting fresh….

I started this year- volunteering- a commitment I have made for the next 12 months. I am doing victim advocacy, and re-establishing my educational path- yes, I am laying down my sword. Because I have only 9 classes to go with this degree ( hate that I slowed it down a moment)  I have to finish it as it. But, instead of working with S.O’s-  I am going to advocate for the victims.  So maybe that robbery last January – when everything was lost and no one cared, was a blessing in disguise. ( don’t get me wrong, unless someone has murdered someone, I will still advocate for better services for crim’s) , but my faith in the justice system was lost, slowly –gradually- applaud one Police Department for the incessant flaws  & for the cynicism. However… with that, I have decided to let it all go.

This year, I forgive everyone who has ever wronged me, slighted me, judged me, stolen from me, taken me for granted, used me, betrayed me, owes me money- whatever- you’ve all been forgiven of those transgressions. It wasn’t about you, it was more about my happiness, but look, you benefit also- just stay gone. Our friendships, if there were any, mean nothing to me anymore. That’s not a bad thing- we certainly cannot all be friends, but we don’t have to hate or hurt either- we get enough of that. So, may I recommend that everyone, offer up either forgiveness or letting go of something- and do it knowing, it’s perfectly okay.

(And I am not a faithful believer in perfection.)

I met this guy at the doctor’s office the other night. It was strange. He was almost 10 years younger then me, there waiting for his sister- I gathered, when he struck up conversation. ( I was praying he wouldn’t ask me out, seriously – I was starting to sweat!). He wasn’t particularly unusual. Not unattractive. I still don’t know how I feel about the initiation of conversation, but it takes all different kinds of people to make the world spin around- with a human element anyways….

I wonder if I have that look- when people have “concerns” I must appeal in some way. He asked me how my new year was going already I explained that time doesn’t really matter in that sense, yeah- not the time to get all philosophical…that I got. He went on to tell me about losing his job, his on-going battle with alcoholism,  some criminal charges pending, the loss of license..in a matter of minutes, I knew he was broken.

I didn’t know what to say, but I went on to at least try to embed some confidence in him. He’ll need it. It was a moment when I realized that we all judge as if we are unflawed ourselves. But who are we to be like that? And what does it gain? A sense of personal power? Because that that isn’t fair, nor earned, nor a privilege. We are all alike, some of share the same blood type- that can save another’s life, our tears spill from eyes with or without vision, we have the same primal needs- and yet we help to deprive others of theirs, sometimes intentionally or not. The only way to be happy with ourselves, is to know we are all in need and pursuit of similar sorts, and balance.

I’m not going to wait anymore- like my ex-boyfriend says “Carpe Diem” I never understood that until he explained it to me- and he did so with the integrity and decency a Marine should have. It may seem over used, but what really isn’t? I started a movie review blog ( get you links later) and I’ll tell you finding movies that don’t remind you of another, is getting harder to do….I have a lot of new things going on web-wise and trying to sharpen some techniques, I cant wait to bring anyone interested too, I cant have it come here though. There are certain things I write- like if I am selling something, I use my regular name- I have a pen name for the serious writing and creative writing, it’s boggling, and there isn’t enough time in the day to do what I want to do, and this computer has been a lousy host- amen for broadband!

I am finally letting my ex-boyfriends go, (it’s kind of weird but I am best friends with my ex’s and we hang out sometimes)  - I  am thinking that maybe this year I might actually give someone new the time. It’s been easy to hang onto what’s been safe, known and comfortable, but I realize that I left those relationships for some reason, I was in one for 4 years- I broke up with him 3 years ago and went right into the other, and we stayed together a very strange year- and we still talk. Both know of each other, both swear they would kill the other if they ever saw them. (  and sadly, I know who’d win), I love them both- one for being grown and the other for growing.  One of them dates other women, and the other I have been trying to convince too for 2 years now. But independently they have been my best friends, and that matters- but I need to let them go. One of them has faith in me, (the grown one) the other, well is just unusal…so there you go- I am flawed in every atom of my being!

Well, this is well into 1,000 words- I’m losing interest myself (yawn!) I’d love to hear about your new years- what your plans are- what’s gone on..what’s messed up, whats right in the world… conversation is always favored…this year, I will try to pay more attention to you, my friends…and those of you who will be my friends.

I wish you love, peace, happiness, passion, kindness, warmth, (food) and joy everyday!

There are certain things that happen in life that are so inconceivable to the human psyche that our first natural course of defense is to deflect it psychologically. We hold up our arms in protective defense. There are certain truism’s that we don’t want to believe. Certain acts of human behavior, that are far darker then an imagination could take you. There is both good and evil.

There are certain experiences that reflect the true depth of human undoing, what becomes of severely ill minds when left to roam and wander freely amongst us unidentified, or dismissed and untreated. We are generally semi-peaceful people. Most of us have no interest in hurting others, some of us cant help it, while others live to inflict harm. I’ve never come to conclusion on why anyone, knowing what it feels like to be hurt would do harm onto another. But it’s happening every few seconds somewhere.

It took 27 years, a new Police Chief, and a tremendous, unimaginable amount of grief for John and Reve Walsh to finally have confirmation, or should I say public reiteration of who abducted and incomprehensively murdered their 6 year old son Adam in July of 1981. In this case there is no such thing as closure, there will be no justice, there are unanswered questions, this could have been resolved long ago, so the trauma’s that trailed behind the Walsh’s all of these years were inflicted repetitively were done by so many people- including the justice system.

John and Reve stood stoically as the camera flash’s flickered and the news was conveyed. I cant imagine that they even felt relief, after all they’d been certain it was Ottis Toole all along. On death row, for several other murders, his death sentence was commuted to life imprisonment. He was once again in a locked correctional facility, but this time for good after confessing to murdering a little over 130 people. Most of them would be kids, because Ottis was a child predator of a unique kind. He was a sexual sadist, narcissistic, a cannibal, a self-proclaimed Satanist- a man with multiple mental illnesses and a criminal past that had landed him behind bars here and there starting as a young teenager.

I often hear people refer to Charles Manson as the craziest man alive. This is far from the truth. Compared to Ottis Toole, Charlie is just a goof up, on a power trip that knows how to manipulate. His degree of danger, as inhumane as it was, was nothing to the likes of Ottis. While in prison, he confessed to murdering young Adam. He went into details. He used words to tear wide open the wounds of the Walsh’s in heinously deranged mannerisms. Then he recanted and eventually died of cirrhosis of the liver.

I will never forget the first time that I saw Adam’s face 22 years ago. It was in a picture. He was an adorable boy, with this great big smile and eyes that reflected a glint of pride, as he stood there, holding his baseball bat as if ready to swing, his little head tucked beneath a baseball cap-posing for his little league picture. He was so cute. He reminded me of all that is good and wholesome about little boys, or what they should be. I didn’t know of John or Reve Walsh, but as I watched the movie telling only bits and pieces of their struggle to know who took their child from them and what happened to him, I cried. I cried through the credits and off and on for awhile. They aren’t infallible, none of us, but they are amazing people and what they’ve done, what they’ve accomplished they never set out to do, it wasn’t the life they planned, but they got jerked into. They are two people who deserve not only our deepest considerations, but also our upmost respect.

There is no relief in the answer. The wounds are so deep, the flesh bruised to the very bones, they have finally, after a long battle, been validated. I am sorry, truly sorry, that it took so long, that the justice system failed them repeatedly. I am sorry justice was denied. And yet Adam, you will never be forgotten.

I’ve never met him before. I never would have heard his name if he hadn’t made the news.

A young college student- whose personal story is a mystery to me, and yet the image of his face hasn’t evaded me since I first saw it yesterday morning.

I can only wonder his reason’s, his motivations, the causes and his willingness to end his life-  all of these things belonged to him only. We can speculate, we can propagate, we can read into the words he left behind, but the depth and nature of his pain, will never be quite understood.

I can only imagine the great pain his family is in. I understand it, but to every one, grief, loss and reality strike differently, in different pockets of the soul, different layers of the heart. My heart goes out to those that loved and knew him, always regarding him in his process of life.

This is a terrible tragedy, that played out in real time, on laptops and desktops across the world, the exchanges of information were live – the extinguishment of his life, was there available for paid members to see….

I can imagine that some of the people watching were terrified. Distance, miles, even states a way from this 19 year old boy, who wasn’t kidding. I’m sure the desperation to locate him was shaking.  There were those that tried to save him, by talking to him, and tracking his location down and contacting the police. Thank you. You are truly human and I am so sorry you experienced it. I’ve been there too, and there is no coming back from the moment.

I’m sure some viewer’s just moved onto something else disbelieving that Abraham was serious, it’s a battle of the psyche, it’s hard to incur that someone could actually take their own life, that’s not something everyone relates too, or understands. I am sure, those that turned away too soon, are sorry that they did, and that will be hard to deal with.

And then there were those, and I’ve met a lot of people like them, that were callous, cold, ignorant, inhumane, uncompassionate, and mocked the situation. Every word of encouragement, further abandonment and invalidation was just another pill push into his mouth, by the hands of strangers that have no value for the preservation of human life, of any kind.

Anyone who could say “Kill yourself, Just do it and get it over with, quit bitching and do it then” (the incitements are endless) at a moment in time when someone is proving themselves to be at a point and place in time that they are actually going to commit suicide is equal to someone who could or would commit homicide, intentional or unintentional, with no remorse, and that my friends, is a shame. What kind of people have we become?

Statistically equations report that there are on average 204 suicide attempts every day. That more then 30,000 people a year are successful in their efforts. [i] It is the 11^th leading cause of death in the United States, out ranking murder by 4.[ii]As for kids, it is the third leading cause of death for the age category between 15-24. [iii]

Suicide is a symptom of several types of psychological disorders. The stigma illnesses have like depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and likened problems worsen the condition of the person experiencing them, closing the gaps for self-intervention because of terms like “crazy, and mental”. I’ve studied this subject a long time, I have a history of it being a repeated first hand experience in my life, and what I’ve learned is that there is no recovery when someone takes their life, for them or anyone that knew and cared for them.

Mental illnesses, as such as those I’ve mentioned are controllable illnesses. Most comparisons liken them to diabetes, or similar manageable conditions. If there is a rush to medicate this population, it’s not to harm anyone, it’s to help  rework the neurological deficits in the brain’s chemistry. Things that a human being cannot control.  Some of the greatest Artists, Musicians, Authors, the worlds most  prized creative minds are driven with these disorders. I believe it is a great loss to society when we lose one to the plague of constant self-ambiguity.

I was 14, exactly 3 days when my best friends mom killed herself while we slept on the couch.

A year later, my friend Jeff, hung himself. We didn’t believe he would, but living with the fact that he did, and we did nothing, is a sin that’s unforgiving.

The year I turned 19, carrying my newborn son into my mom’s house, my extended family huddled in the living room, shaken, we waited without speaking until my mom made it home early, instantly from work- my uncle, her best friend and brother, the man I loved and saw as a hero, had taken his life in an abandoned field in California. It even made the paper.

Later that year, I visited my high school sweetheart on the 4^th floor of some hospital.

At 21, the girl on her way to becoming my best friend, ended her life with her boyfriends gun.

At 23, I buried another.

In the past 4 years, 2 of my sons friends, one a 21 year old boy we had known since he was 10 had committed suicide, and 3 young teenage girls had tried. I still talk to them from time to time today. I won’t let them go to far, until I know, they love themselves enough to embrace life.

There is a difference between suicidal ideation and being suicidal. The point is to step in when it’s at the early stage, during the ideation of it. When someone starts talking about wanting to be dead and listing of reasons, causes, or better off’s – listen. That person is hurt, and needs validation, and yes attention, but it’s not for attention. To even insinuate that degrades your mind to simplicity. A caring word, a little bit of your time, a spoonful of compassion can mean the difference between life and death to a suffering human being.

No one, no one deserves to die by their hands or by another’s. If you recognize a difference in your friend, if they’ve lost interest in things, if they talk about depressive issue’s, if they start handing out the things that they value- intervene. Your words could make a difference, and always, always, get help when someone is suicidal.

Save that life.

If you know someone who is crisis contact the Trevor Helpline at 1-8666-4U-Trevor, it is a 24 hour suicide hotline.

The political landscape is currently in transition and in every sense of the word- a mess.

Less than 100 days shy of inaugurating President (elect) Barack Obama and the motto that “change is coming” is lying in wait, as if on January 20^th, the skies will open up and the earth will shift. Nothing of great significance happens over night and the road ahead is not full of daisies and children racing each other up and down sidewalks on their bicycles, laughing. No, the world as we know it will not come become clean.

We’re bound to see some clouds on this horizon.

It’s hard not to be captivated and caught up by the man who seems to be all things to all people.

He has a response, an answer, a willing ear for anyone and everyone. He’s a Presidential enigma.

Still there are questions being covered beneath the rug that few people are interested in sweeping up.

With the shake of his hand, a few vows on his lips, and a smile to suit the mood, President elect Barack Obama supersedes any expectation we can really put on another human being, let alone a President.

And that is what is scaring me.

I  read the book of revelations.

Not to subscribe to any bizarre end of the world philosophies,

But it’s eerie.

I stand in awe, amazed at what he accomplished during his candidacy -crossing all political divides and unifying a global world with the tightening of his language.

Still, he is a just a man. Not a God, not an angel, not some heavenly being- just a man. And he is certainly not a messiah as some people would put it. Go to hell with that idea, please.  He is simply a man who holds the key to hope for all people. Like all President’s do. I wonder though, will he be a whipping boy when things don’t go the way we all want it to? Will he be infiltrated with words of hate simply because the left hates the right and so on?  Will he be immune from the hostilities that President George W Bush wasn’t? Will the African American community scream the nation is racist if we don’t concede with some of his ideas? I don’t even need to answer that, the proof is in the number of people who voted for no other reason than President Elect Obama is partially black.

Meanwhile as the new government is formed we have groups of people dwelling on irrelevant issues like how much Sarah Palin spent on clothes on the RNC bill. Who cares people. For real. She’s handing the clothes back, although we should just let her keep them. Think about all the millionaire celebrities who wear one outfit that costs more than what was spent on her in entirety, women who’ve made it to the spot light for no other reason than they spread their legs and filmed it. Governor Palin is a woman who went so far to come so close to the incredible position of VICE PRESIDENT, someone who used her people skills, her brain and not her vagina to become a strong symbol of hope for womankind! Is the problem that she’s in politics?  Give her the make over for god’s sake, and move on! If you need to dish on money, let’s talk about why we are paying millions of dollars to actors and sports figures while teachers are taking on second jobs and daycare workers make minimum wage!

But with change coming, new concepts are being formed.

The President elect has initiated a new web page that discusses the progress being made in the days leading up to the transition to the White House.

There is some, but not much to see on this page.

If you voted, I hope you plan to stay politically engaged. If not, then why did you vote?

Here on this web page, it gives YOU- the people, a chance to share your thoughts, your idea’s, even your stories!

Peruse the page at www.change.gov-  and go for it!

Mind your p’s & q’s though- if you hate the guy, don’t tell him. Voice your concerns but use mentality!

There is nothing he can do for you individually so don’t anticipate a call from Obama telling you he’s on his way to change your life- think globally!

If you’re concerned with the second amendment issue’s that seem to be sweeping America and currently has arms/weapons dealers emptying shelves, talk to him about the 2^nd Amendment  right to keep and bear arms , tell him what it means to you! You hunt…and you protect… yep, we have a problem with guns getting into the wrong hands, that has nothing to do with responsible gun owners, that is all on the criminal, remind him of that. Most guns used to kill, maim or hurt someone are illegal to begin with. It’s not the guy with his permit and license. It’s the wanna be thug who doesn’t care what happens as long as he has time to flee.

If you want out of Iraq and have an idea on how we should pull out share it- or if you think we’d be stupid to pull out of terrorist terrains, my god, get sounding! ( ask yourself how you will feel if when we leave Iraq thousands of innocent people will be slaughtered by sneaky terrorist regimes before imputing or Al Qaida see’s  a momentary lapse and some weakness and comes full tilt to attack Americans- remember to terrorists, the color of your skin, your job, your religion, your family do not mean anything- in their eyes we are all worthy of death ).

If you want the Gitmo detainee’s tried in a military tribunal where they should be, say so! ( Suspected terrorists , like those we have, should not be tried along side someone with a DWI- our current judicial system had a multi-million dollar deficit. Does that not speak for itself?) Remember we try least amount of punishment to greatest as the criminal progresses. I am sorry folks, but if you commit mass murder, or strike a nation of people down -you don’t deserve our compassion, nor our prisons).

Don’t waste the hired kid reading your imput’s time by writing about how much you hate President George W. Bush no one respects that.  No one. Talk about this new administration and what you think good and right for us. Everyone has better things to do with their time than talk crap about a President. In less of course you never voted during either of those 2 elections and think you have a leg to stand on when gripping! Shut up already! It’s not cool.

If you’re a weirdo nut job, buried deep in the woods polishing his weapons and brewing some poisonous concoction to line the seals of envelopes to  then mail off and kill some people in Government don’t write the President elect, instead  shave your overgrown beard and go to your nearest psychiatric hospital immediately. Let them know you need a little time away from the rest of the world for awhile and limit your t.v time.

If you are a socially conscious person then you know you’ve got a lot of writing to do, get on it!

Let’s see if this open door policy to government, is actually going to change anything at all. I am curious..come join me….

And hey, for those of us that have been hit hard by a struggling economy- there is even a place apply for work…as part of his administration!